9 posts tagged “grohl”

Had one of those dreams last night that are so vivid that the lingering emotions leave you feeling uneasy the next day.

He was here, wherever 'here' was in the dream, a mishmash of places that are familiar to me. We were hanging out having fun, maybe smiling wistfully at one another? I can't quite remember. Then, he was gone. Left or disappeared, I can't recall. Then someone found a notebook/diary of his, and I read it (had trouble turning the pages to the end, where I knew held a message, because the pages were stuck), and it had some sort of suicide note as the last entry, which was written to me. Then there was this dealing with the emotions that I should have known, that he was here to say goodbye.

The lingering emotions today have left me thinking about how I feel about him. I still care a great deal, but now it feels like he's a brother, it's that kind of love. I'm glad I got closure, it was very easy to let go. Easier than I ever thought it would be, and different to the other times when I had told myself I'd let go, but really hadn't.

And it feels really good. I think I've finally let go, and I'm excited about what's to come in life. I was surprised at how little I cared, but I have no regrets about anything that happened. 

When (if) I can get my head around this, I'll write more.

... was a good handful of hope.

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life"

Oscar Wilde.

I saw this quote today in a store and for a moment the irrational, emotional part of me thought that it could be true. I, however, am not an entirely irrational person, so I know it's far from true. I'll only wait until someone equal or better comes along.

I've been great again lately, so maybe this crap lasts for shorter periods now. I didn't miss the fact that he didn't call the other day.

There are only three people that I have been involved with heavily enough to affect my subconscious to the extent that I have, or have had in the past, recurring realistic dreams about them.

The first to have this affect on me we'll call Salters Nelson. He brings me dreams of being trapped, of anxiety, of not being able to escape. I had those dreams for a long time, even up to five years after the fact, but now they are few and far between, and I can't remember the last time I had one. I'm glad to see the back of them.

The second we'll call Falcon Errill. He brings me dreams of lust and sex. I like those ones, and have had them relatively recently, which is at least 6 years after the fact. I think of him sometimes, and would like to know how things turned out for him.

The third needs no introduction. He brings me dreams of love. Always unrequited, except for that very first dream. Those ones leave me utterly despondent and broken with yearning when I wake. It would probably be for the best if they went away, but somehow I still don't want them to, and I doubt whether they will any time soon.

• can listen to certain songs and not feel shitty anymore.
• feel more in control.
• am not angry.
  
• learned a thing or two about your character.
• took only a few minutes to move on and forget after seeing that you had been online yesterday.
• was really quite happy about the fact.
• am apparently taking the high road.
  
• am so fucking busy right now.
• need to go to sleep.
• plan to go to the gym tomorrow. Thesis cannot mean missing supergymtimes!
  

I think I really feel like it's over now, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Hurrah!

I was planning to write this post after the last one, talking about how I dreamt about him three nights in a row, and all this other bullshit, but now I am just going through another 'Fuck you, I don't give a shit anymore" stage.

I actually quite like these phases. It makes me feel more like me.