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One more day down, five to go.

FIIIIIIIVE LOOOOOOOOONG DAAAAAAAAAAYYYS.

*sigh*

Gah, this geographically-enforced celibacy is KILLING ME. And there is still well over a week to go...

Strangely, I feel myself pulling back a little, the more enthusiastic he seems - it's almost like I've been on my own for so long that it's hard to believe someone is actually attracted to me for all the things I like about myself, so I'm perceiving him as being disingenuous. Though of course I know he's not.

I also feel myself pulling back because I'm so used to being on my own - I'm not used to the idea of real intimacy, of sharing myself with someone.

This is such a weird learning curve. Oh my god.

I live my life to learn new things. To learn about the world, and reality, using logic and objectivity.

This is something I never thought I'd have to learn. It's freaking me out how little I know about it, but in hindsight it seems obvious that I wouldn't have known. And I'm not sure that logic and objectivity are terribly useful in this context, so I feel like I'm flying blind. Eep!

THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Something has to go wrong. Oh holy fuck.

... and jerk it is. So that's that then.

Next!

it begins again. I don't know anything about him. Not anything that matters. I need to know more before I can make any judgments. Right now it's just some fantasy based on the superficial crap that I know have been told.

Well, it's all in good fun anyway. As long as I'm aware of that, it's okay. A girl needs some sort of entertainment.

Had one of those dreams last night that are so vivid that the lingering emotions leave you feeling uneasy the next day.

He was here, wherever 'here' was in the dream, a mishmash of places that are familiar to me. We were hanging out having fun, maybe smiling wistfully at one another? I can't quite remember. Then, he was gone. Left or disappeared, I can't recall. Then someone found a notebook/diary of his, and I read it (had trouble turning the pages to the end, where I knew held a message, because the pages were stuck), and it had some sort of suicide note as the last entry, which was written to me. Then there was this dealing with the emotions that I should have known, that he was here to say goodbye.

The lingering emotions today have left me thinking about how I feel about him. I still care a great deal, but now it feels like he's a brother, it's that kind of love. I'm glad I got closure, it was very easy to let go. Easier than I ever thought it would be, and different to the other times when I had told myself I'd let go, but really hadn't.

Two weeks? A fortnight?

Two weeks. If my detective skills are what I believe they may be.

Two MORE weeks to be more precise. Makes, like, five and a half weeks.

Blargh. *sigh*

I saw Raja today. My god, it was fantastic, I am so happy that he turned out well. He's still as adorable as he was way back then. He meant so much to me for such a long time, it was really special catching up with him again after all this time when it just never occurred to me that I ever would.
I'll most likely see him again next Tuesday on my way through.